All
Oops!
The content you are looking for has moved or no longer exists!
If you are sure it should be here, try a search of upsoclose.com.
Secured Page
The content you are looking for cannot be found on the public site. If you are sure you should be able to access it, and that it exists, try logging in to gain access.
Gyroscope
There's been a lot of juggling going on at home. I've been writing down thoughts to share later, and I hope I actually remember what the notes I wrote down mean when I have time to write in detail once we are all settled back in the States.
The kids and I have been reflecting on things we will miss, and things we are looking forward to, so I thought I would share a few things here:
Miss:
- Fun people from Sweden and around the world: Friends, family and acquaintances
- Mattias
- Absence of large billboards along highways
- Food safety
- Safety in general
- (Almost complete) Independence from cars
- Independence and safe travel that the kids can use without me driving them
- Low cost healthcare
- The Lund Pediatric Bipolar Team
- Easy recycling
Looking forward to:
- Family and friends back home
- A "bad for you" breakfast from McDonalds
- Replacing/restocking our wardrobes: the kids need clothes of all kinds, and I need PANTS!
- Less choice in clothing stores so we can actually make decisions
- More choice in grocery stores so we can get the things we want
- Grocery shopping less often
- Free carts at the store!
- Diversity
- Back to business as usual in the working environment
- Seeing USA with new eyes
Found Object
I was feeling pretty freaked out after watching Paranormal Activity this evening all by myself, and I happened upon this. It makes me chuckle.
Beautiful People
I haven't been writing a lot lately (or at all), and I keep waiting for a moment when I can summarize everything. Priorities!
Every time I have a moment where I might have time to write, there's something else to do that is more important. Or something happening.
Last night, the Meetup Group had a farewell party for me. The theme was All American, and everyone donned their red white and blue. When I came into the room, I was struck by several things.
First, was just how beautiful the people in the group are, and second, how lovely the party setup and location was, and third, how completely uncomfortable I felt at the idea that all of this had been arranged for me.
It was such a lovely night. I wish I would have taken more pictures. Luckily, there were some gorgeous pictures taken by other people at the party.
So much has been happening, and so much has been going on in my head that I want to write down, but time is moving against me- and as more significant observations come to me, I feel like I will never catch up.
I've had a mounting feeling for a while now that I have changed so much. The differences in me that I am seeing, between when the girls and I arrived and now, it's nothing short of amazing all of the things I have realized about myself- good things and bad. There is so much I want to change, and so much I want to hold onto.
Outwardly, I have let myself go. Inwardly, I have grown, and changed, and become as comfortable with who I am as a person more than I have ever been. I see myself. I see other people seeing me. I see I need to change. I see I need to hold on to the good things that I value in myself.
The most important thing to note right at this moment, is how thankful I am for all of the Internationals I know here in Malmö, Skåne, and Copenhagen. Each one of them is so unique and so wonderful to know. I feel so honored (almost embarrassed) to have been celebrated yesterday.
And amidst all this work to do here at home to get ready for our trip back to USA, I want to make a special effort to spend time with these people before I go. Because it will be a while before I see them again.
I love these people. I'm so lucky that so many of them love me back.
A special bond
I think the most heartwarming moment this weekend was when Tyler gave Tayler a home made birthday card.
Their official day is this coming Friday, but when Tyler has a gift or surprise or something wonderful for someone she has a hard time NOT giving it right away.
The card had the usual sweet drawings on it, but inside, the message said:
"13 years together."
A big difference!
When trying to figure out who someone is: Tayler focuses on the circumstances, Tyler on physical features.
Example:
Tayler to Tyler: I think I saw someone you know at the movie theater.
Tyler: What did he look like?
Tayler: He was staring at me.
Tyler: Did he have glasses?
Tayler: He was looking at me funny.
Tyler: Was he short?
Tayler: I don't know!
Sing Song
I often wake up in the morning, realizing that a single song permeated all of my dreams throughout the night.
The song is still playing in my head, and as the dreams fade, I realize the song usually has nothing to do with the dreams I had.
Lately I've been having a lot of dreams where I am in high school.
Last night I was at the senior prom (funny, I graduated my junior year so I never went to senior prom), and there was some drama between people I had crushes on throughout the years. I don't recall any of the details, only that I was in high school, at a dance, and my cousins were there?
The song stuck in my head when I woke up was "Hungry Eyes" by Eric Carmen.
I know that song was featured in Dirty Dancing, and Dirty Dancing was on the film channel here in Sweden a few nights ago. The weird thing is that I didn't watch it past the first few scenes. Hungry Eyes shows up when Baby is learning to dance, and I didn't get that far before we shut the TV off.
The other night I was dreaming about a kid with whom I had a conflict in elementary school, but we were in high school when I was thinking about it. We were also at a dance (recurring theme?), and sitting at a table while others were dancing. Throughout the evening during conversation with our table mates, this guy was constantly putting me down. Everyone left to go dance, but we stayed.
I turned to him and said: "Look, I know we don't get along, but we really must..."
At which point I woke myself up because I was talking in my sleep. Mattias asked me what I had said because he was already up checking the news on the computer. I tried to explain the dream, but the actual details faded fast.
I'm wondering what the significance of the recurring theme of high school and dances are.
For me, high school was an agonizing time; each day felt like eternity. I was so shy, and I was perceived as so "stuck up" that I really didn't make any connections with anyone in high school, nor did I hang with a specific crowd of people. There were a few occasions where I spent some time with people who seemed to tolerate me- a few being in freshman year, and one in sophomore year. Once I was invited to a party with people who had long ago been my friends in elementary school- but I spent the whole time sitting in a corner feeling like crying.
I made a few attempts to make friends, but they were short lived- either that person was too busy with other things, or they somehow betrayed my trust, or they got angry at me for something...
I remember spending many hours closed up in my room crying because I was so miserable and depressed. I had a mini recorder I used for recording interviews I did with the school paper, and I recorded myself a few times. I tried to listen to the tapes years later, but I couldn't stand it.
I can't say what kind of person I was then. I don't think I was very likable- I was so caught up in my own fears and anxieties, and so sad and lonely that I can't imagine I was good company. I don't really remember the things I thought about, or the opinions I had, except to say I was desperate to get out on my own, away from high school, and away from the town I lived in.
The dance theme seems odd too. I think I went to two dances total in high school. Those events were also painful and scary for me because everyone seemed to have friends surrounding them, and I only had Bill with me, or a few people who talked to me at one point but moved on to other things during the course of the evening.
I remember longing to dance, and feeling so paralyzed by the thought of being exposed out on the dance floor. It wasn't that I thought everyone was looking at me. It was more that I knew everyone wasn't looking at me, and if I made a fool of myself, then they WOULD look at me, and that seemed the worst sort of embarrassment.
Right before I left for Sweden, I went to what would have been my 10 year high school reunion (I graduated a year early, as I said above). It was a disaster.
I had this idea in my head that people would see me for who I really am while I was at the event, but it ended up being high school all over again, and the only people who talked to me were spouses of students who had attended school with me.
The beer was terrible, and I had double drink tickets because my ex and I were just breaking up at the time and the organizing committee just gave me both sets. I bought a bunch of shots, and ended up getting really drunk and feeling stupid for even going to the thing in the first place.
It was foolish to think I would connect with people I never connected with in the first place. It was also an odd thing to think that people would be interested in talking with me when they had other people to reminisce with whom they actually spent time with in high school.
So why the high school theme? Why the dances?
You got me. I have no idea.
Diesel
The heater in the spare bedroom isn't working like it used to, but Tayler has an awesome space heater we've been fighting over.
Mattias found that we can put diesel in our heater, so he bought some to put in the heater until the oil guys come. Don't know how long it will last.
Oil
I thought the oil for the heater would last longer this time.
We tried turning off the heat in several rooms where we don't spend much time, and then shut the door to that part of the house. We also turned off the heat during times we were away from the house. It seems to have made no difference, because today, the heater started making that noise when the oil is gone.
It's so frustrating when oil is so expensive and you have to wait a week after you pay to get the tank refilled.
We will be spending lots of time in the spare bedroom for the next week or so!