divorce

"Do every act of your life as if it were your last."

- Marcus Aurelius

Today is the day before Thanksgiving in the States. This would be the day I would be cleaning the house, probably buying supplies for dinner, and making some of the dishes so I could warm them later. I might even be making a pumpkin pie, and not forgetting to put in one of the ingredients like the twins did when they were making the pumpkin pie for Helena's Halloween party.

Tomorrow would be the day that I take the turkey and fight with it to get the gizzards out, and put it in the oven with a baking bag to keep the meat juicy. And I would be making my famous green bean casserole that everyone raves about.

I would be sitting down to dinner with my loved ones, and giving thanks for the things that are so wonderful in my life.

I'm not in the U.S. this year, and I can't afford to have a Thanksgiving dinner here, so I'm just going to list the things I am thankful for, like I do every year.

I am thankful for;

1. family, most especially the twins.
2. laughter, because without it I think life would be awfully dull.
3. friends, because of their kindness, sense of fun and humor, and most of all their ways of bringing my spirits up.

It snowed last night. It doesn't really snow in Skåne but it dusted enough to make make the tops of the buildings and homes white.

I called this morning to social services again. I was told to call a different number which ended up being the fax number to something. I called the Malmö Stad number and reached an woman who spoke little English who told me to call back at 9am. I tried to reason with her but she explained she was only an operator.

This is coupled with the bad news that the van is no longer worth 11,000. Scott took it to two places to sell it last night and it was appraised at 7,000. It makes me want to cry, because if it had been sold when I got the original appraisal then I would have had a lot more money.

It may sound petty, but with the debt that I have, and the position I am in, I just can't afford to take a loss like that.

I have to, however.

Today I think I lost another friend. I cried a bit. Now I am going to take a nap. Before I go though, I wanted to write briefly.

I thought I lost a friend a little while ago, but Amie straightened me out on that front.

I also sent an email to that friend, to tell her I am sorry, and to see if we can repair our friendship, because I love her and value her, and just don't want to lose her as a friend. I hope she will want to work with me to start building a bridge back to each other, but I know that sometimes that's not possible.

I know that with the dissolution, I am going to lose friends. I know that some people will feel they need to take sides, or will feel I made the wrong decision, or will feel awkward staying friends with both of us, or perhaps will want to end our friendship for other reasons entirely.

It makes me incredibly sad.

But... I made the right decision for the girls and I. Maybe not what someone else would do, but it was what I would do, and I did it. I have to live with whatever consequences there are afterward, be it emotionally, financially, or socially, or in some other area.

I'm not sure if that is what is happening. I don't really know.

Helena had friends over for a bachelorette party for Pernilla tonight. (Pernilla's daughter goes to school with Linnea, and Jesper, Micke, Pernilla, and Helena are all friends.)

I was fine when everyone was here. I had a good time, and everyone was very nice and fun to be around.

But when everyone left, I realized how much it hurt that my marriage is over. I mean, I knew it hurt, but when you have someone else's marriage coming up and someone else's bachelorette party in your face like this was, well, it left me sad.

I see a lot of things in a different light now, but mostly I remember the happy things that I want to share, but then I realize that they were happy. Right now they are sad. Maybe someday I will come to see them the way I saw them before.

Right now I am still mourning.