me

So much fun last night at Club Diversity with their awesome chocolate martinis. Ann and Igor planned the gathering with friends and family, and we all rode down in the van. That van does come in handy despite the gas mileage.

I had three. And I was fine.

Of course, I hadn't been drinking anything beforehand.

After we left I was hungry so Scott bought me White Castle.

The kids were home with Tanya's grandmother and Liza, and seemed to have had a good time. They love Liza.

Ann and Igor settled on the couch and we talked for a little while, but everyone was tired so we headed to bed.

I could have stayed up all night, but I went to bed too.

As my shampoo was not in the shower this morning (the kids took it up to the bathtub upstairs), and I quickly thought I would use Scott's but must have forgotten, I realized with much disappointment that I didn't wash my hair at all today. I guess it's better than that time I forgot to take the keys out of the van and left it running while I went in to Target.

I did a search to find if there anyone from my address book was on Reunion.com, and it emailed everyone in my address book. I was surprised, angry and a little embarrassed. That was not what I intended to do at all.

I've taken to sleeping on the couch or Tayler's bed at night. After an hour or so on our bed, my back starts to hurt so badly I can't sleep. I know they are expensive, but I want a new mattress.

I was SO sick yesterday I was dead.

I had the kids bring my computer up to me so I could look up my boss' number and call in.

I only got out of bed once until around 8pm when I ventured downstairs (I HATE OUR BED and it was KILLING my back). I was starting to think I had that disease where your brain swells and your spine hurts as I lay on my back on the couch. I lay there long enough to eat an ice cream sandwich, the only thing I had to eat all day, and then went back to bed.

This morning, I had a pulse again. I still felt pretty awful- but I didn't want to miss more work, so after crawling into the school for a meeting there, I crawled into the office.

Tonight, I really feel bad again - funny how going to work takes it out of you - but I can't lie down or I cough uncontrollably.

If you know me, you know that I have, on numerous occasions, cried about the homeless.

There was some concern when we visited Key West about me seeing homeless people, and my friends comforted me by telling me the homeless in Key West are paid to dress like pirates.

Amie's birthday card for me was a pirate card and had a joke on it I don't remember (I saved the card somewhere).

For my birthday, Kelly gave me a wishing necklace that you were supposed to make a wish on and wear until it fell off. When it fell off your wish would come true.

"When I wish, I usually wish for the same thing," I said.

"Don't waste it on the homeless," Kelly said.

I laughed so hard I cried.

Here's a list of all that I am (or feel) responsible for right at this moment. Besides dropping school, I need to filter out some of these as well.

1. My kids and their emotional and physical health, including taking them to appointments, working on Tyler's IEP, getting Tyler stabilized, and helping Tayler with her anxiety.
2. My husband and working on our relationship.
3. My body and losing weight, caring for my hair and body, seeing the doctor regularly..
4. My kids and their activities including homework, soccer, choir, girl scouts, and plain old social interaction.
5. My house and taking care of it - that means doing the laundry and the dishes and helping out with keeping things clean and orderly.
6. My writer's group and keeping the prompts going and writing what I can for that. I want to keep this one because I enjoy writing.
7. My job and making up the time I've had to take to cover responsibilities above.
8. My debt and paying it off while not incurring any additional debt.
9. My friends and being a supportive and caring friend who is there when they need me.

I told my psychiatrist my life seems impossible right now. She said that's normal. My life would be impossible for anyone, she said.

She said, even if everyone in my life were healthy and happy, including me, my life would be challenging for most people. I have additional hurdles, and the playing field isn't level for me. And a lot of people in my life are not healthy and happy, the most important ones being my kids.

She said, forget school for right now. Your family needs you.

She said, push everything off the table except what you absolutely have to do. That will leave you space to handle the emergencies, and maybe even space for yourself.

Good advice. Maybe this will help me get out of bed easier in the morning knowing I only have to do x many things. I don't know.

The kids went with my parents to COSI this morning, and Scott and I set out for a long walk. We went to the park, the park of roses where we got married, and then sat outside along with other folks waiting for the library to open. Picked up a few books, a cd, and came home for lunch. It was really nice, because I felt like Scott and I connected, and spent quality time we haven't spent together in a while.

The rest of my day I plan to attack paperwork and email and get caught up.

Plus a family meeting tonight.

I've really got to see someone about this heartburn.