parenting

The past few weeks have been tough with Tyler. She's really not doing any better than she was before the medication changes. She has several short lived tantrums a day where she breathes very hard, screams and yells and is destructive. Usually it has to do with her expectations.

She asked to put together her desk and I told her not until a space was cleaned in her room for the desk and she huffed around and cried for a half an hour, making whining sounds and acting aggravated at anything anyone said or did. When asked what the problem was, she couldn't remember.

A few more things and then seriously, I am not going to post anymore tonight.

1. I quit smoking. Cold turkey. Today I was in such a bad mood about it I bought some nicotine gum. Since I wasn't really smoking that much in the first place, I got the lowest dose, and have had two pieces today. It's not as bad as I remember it being.
2. We went to have Tyler's med levels tested today and by the time we got to the right place to have the test done, we had to go home because it was too late to have an accurate test.
3. The apartment is a bit of a war zone from Christmas, cooking, and general laziness of the holiday. We are cleaning tomorrow, thank goodness.
4. Christmas time means amateur fireworks in Malmö. They've been going off over the last 8 days.
5. The day started out kick ass, got crappy, and then got better. I'm hoping it levels out to good in the end.
6. I really, really miss karaoke.
7. There is no number 7.
8. I hope I get a chance to talk to some people tonight.

I looked up from the computer just now to see Tyler moonwalking across the living room carpet.

These things are going awesome, since we arrived in Sweden:

1. Tyler likes school. She even wakes up right away to get ready because she is so excited to go. No more screaming in the morning, no more dragging her out of bed, no more fighting to get her to do homework.
2. They are learning Swedish like sponges.
3. The twins are at entirely separate schools so they don't live in each other's shadows and have totally separate friends.
4. Tyler doesn't cry or fuss about taking her medication at night anymore.
5. Tyler doesn't cry or fuss in general that much. I see it happening infrequently, usually when she is overstimulated (a large gathering with lots of adults and kids for example).
6. The psychiatric team at the University of Lund works carefully with the twins on their individual issues. They ask the girls how they feel. They have us keep records. They have advocates that can come with me to meet with teachers to explain ways of supporting the twins. They are getting the best care I have ever seen for their psychological and emotional conditions.
7. Tayler is sleeping better. She actually falls asleep without calling out for me several times like before.
8. I am, admittedly, not doing a fantastic job of keeping my home, but it's relatively neat, and I keep up with things that need doing.

The kids saw the doctor yesterday, they have a team of four people working with each of them to help them with whatever psychological/emotional issues they have and to evaluate them.

I think if anything, that cemented my decision to be here more than anything else. Never in the U.S. would we be able to get nor afford that kind of care.

I am hopeful for the changes we are going to make, especially to get Tyler off of Lithium. The doctor and the nurses and psychologist were were very knowledgable and compassionate. I felt like crying after leaving the appointment. Finally the kids are going to get the help they need and deserve.

I spent the morning with best friend Paul hatching a website scheme.

After some yummy Thai food, we got into a deep discussion about a couple of things, discipline being one of them and my head is a little confused now.

I need to think about things now. I need to rethink my parenting strategies. I need to rethink my whole approach, because as I was talking I realized I didn't have answers to why I do certain things when trying to care for my children and teach them consequences.

I can't even begin to tell you how much I value having Micke and Helena here in Sweden.

I am most amazed with Helena and Micke as friends. They've been surrogate parents for me here in Sweden, and the kind of friends who tell it to you straight.

A few nights ago, they gave me some criticism about my parenting, and I didn't like it, but knew it was true. What I love most about Helena is that she always prefaces her criticism with, "I'm meddling, and you can be mad at me if you want, but I have to say this."

When she's done saying her piece, she asks me if I am mad. I am usually mad with myself. I am never mad at her for telling it to me straight, and I think it's her approach. And the fact that what she is telling me resonates with me, and that we approach a lot of things similarly. I get the feeling she will be my friend whatever I do, and I value that too.

Micke is very good at listening, and giving me his opinion. Most of the time I agree with what he says, and have no trouble saying so, because he doesn't put me on the defense by accusing me of things. It's quiet observation that he presents.

Neither of them really tell me what to do. If you know me well, you know I don't like to be told what to do. I'm the kind of person that if you tell me what to do, I'm going to want to do the opposite. The more you nag me, and tell me, the more I'm going to push back.

Sweden isn't the sort of place where parents are very strict, as my friends describe it. With a little persuasion from Micke, I decided to let the kids start listening to music that I'd been prohibiting. The reasoning, when they were young, was that I didn't want them exposed to negative imagery of women.

They are getting old enough to make the decision on their own on what they want to listen to, so I took Micke's advice and let the kids start listening to what they wanted. Specifically Eminem.

Letting loose on the kids has been interesting. The first few weeks I allowed them to listen to music that I had been restricting them from before, they were cursing a lot. But, after a while, they've toned it down.

Now we all sing Eminem together. We laugh at each other about it too, because really you can't get much worse at rapping than the three of us.

Since I am no longer employed and looking for a new job, I have been home with the kids for going on two days. Scott's been working late, so it's just been the three of us.

After a day and a half of spending time with the twins, today in the van, I felt like freaking out. I'm not used to being home. I'm not used to being interrupted so many times in the middle of a thought process or a conversation, or a lecture. I'm not used to the random thoughts that come to them, and things they share with me of little substance. (Mom, in x movie y said 'some quote.')

I felt like I was going to go right out of my mind as I was driving home from the orthodontist's office. I just wanted silence. Or just to listen to ONE SONG on the radio without being interrupted 5 times. The kids have been SO demanding and SO high maintenance the last two days.

And really, some ADULT CONVERSATION PLEASE! (Get your mind out of the gutter.)

Scott is upset with me presently, so there's no conversation going on there. I think I need out of the house.

There is something very fufilling about spending time with the girls when they're in a good mood.

There's also something wonderful in realizing that I am providing a good life for my children.

This morning with the girls was delightful. We loafed around in our pajamas most of the morning, cuddling up in my bed to read books and lounging around on the couch as we watched "A Muppet Christmas Carol".

I am so proud of how wonderful my children are- that they are learning to communicate with me, that they are learning boundaries, slowly using manners and becoming such enjoyable little girls.

This afternoon reminded me of why sometimes I prefer work rather than being at home with the kids for several days. They are such strong willed children, and I have to work so hard to continue to enforce rules, stop them from killing each other and keep my house from becoming a disaster zone.

Of course their dad had to make an appearance today. That made the kids edgier than usual and left myself in a sour mood the rest of the evening.