scott

I woke up at 4 this morning after a weird dream.

I spent last night retrieving data off Mattias' brother's computer and trying to install a newer version of Windows and upgrade it a little. The processor was too weak to work though, so I went to bed angry about the whole thing, feeling like my time had been wasted. Read more

So the divorce is final. And just so you know, I'm reaching out to lost friends, and to Scott to see if there is a way we can be friends again or at least affable acquaintances.

I read something someone forwarded me about the significance of dreams.

I thought about what I read and decided that if a person appears in my dreams over and over, it may be my subconscious trying to tell me something. Maybe I need to apologize for the first time, or again, or try again to repair a broken friendship. Read more

Tyler came into the living room this evening and began crying.

"Mommy?" she said, "Echo is dying."

I asked her how she knew, and she explained Scott had emailed her that Echo was dying from kidney failure and will be put to sleep this week. Read more

I've gotten used the crash and burn...

As each day passes, I feel in my bones the gravity of my lost relationship with Scott.

I look at my life now and think if it's really any better. It's better in some ways.

How is it worse? Only that I don't have a safety net. Only that I am it. Only that I have to struggle again to pull myself from the depths and make (and keep) a life for the twins and I.

I still miss him and dream of him every night. I still feel an emptiness where he would have been. Read more

"Do every act of your life as if it were your last."

- Marcus Aurelius

Today is the day before Thanksgiving in the States. This would be the day I would be cleaning the house, probably buying supplies for dinner, and making some of the dishes so I could warm them later. I might even be making a pumpkin pie, and not forgetting to put in one of the ingredients like the twins did when they were making the pumpkin pie for Helena's Halloween party.

Tomorrow would be the day that I take the turkey and fight with it to get the gizzards out, and put it in the oven with a baking bag to keep the meat juicy. And I would be making my famous green bean casserole that everyone raves about.

I would be sitting down to dinner with my loved ones, and giving thanks for the things that are so wonderful in my life.

I'm not in the U.S. this year, and I can't afford to have a Thanksgiving dinner here, so I'm just going to list the things I am thankful for, like I do every year.

I am thankful for; Read more

1. family, most especially the twins.
2. laughter, because without it I think life would be awfully dull.
3. friends, because of their kindness, sense of fun and humor, and most of all their ways of bringing my spirits up.

It snowed last night. It doesn't really snow in Skåne but it dusted enough to make make the tops of the buildings and homes white.

I called this morning to social services again. I was told to call a different number which ended up being the fax number to something. I called the Malmö Stad number and reached an woman who spoke little English who told me to call back at 9am. I tried to reason with her but she explained she was only an operator.

This is coupled with the bad news that the van is no longer worth 11,000. Scott took it to two places to sell it last night and it was appraised at 7,000. It makes me want to cry, because if it had been sold when I got the original appraisal then I would have had a lot more money.

It may sound petty, but with the debt that I have, and the position I am in, I just can't afford to take a loss like that.

I have to, however.

It was weird to call and hear Scott's voice over the phone.

But, I talked to the twins tonight about Scott on the way home from Siw and Eilert's and asked them if they wanted to call him.

I was really surprised when Tayler said yes and started bawling. Previously she has said she didn't want to talk him and hasn't. Up until today.

Tyler was the first to talk and they had a pleasant conversation from what I can tell.

Then Tayler. And they talked a long while.

It felt sad not to talk to him too.

Today I think I lost another friend. I cried a bit. Now I am going to take a nap. Before I go though, I wanted to write briefly.

I thought I lost a friend a little while ago, but Amie straightened me out on that front.

I also sent an email to that friend, to tell her I am sorry, and to see if we can repair our friendship, because I love her and value her, and just don't want to lose her as a friend. I hope she will want to work with me to start building a bridge back to each other, but I know that sometimes that's not possible.

I know that with the dissolution, I am going to lose friends. I know that some people will feel they need to take sides, or will feel I made the wrong decision, or will feel awkward staying friends with both of us, or perhaps will want to end our friendship for other reasons entirely.

It makes me incredibly sad.

But... I made the right decision for the girls and I. Maybe not what someone else would do, but it was what I would do, and I did it. I have to live with whatever consequences there are afterward, be it emotionally, financially, or socially, or in some other area.

I'm not sure if that is what is happening. I don't really know. Read more

I moved my email from Scott's servers today.

I guess it's almost over.

I can't feel much besides my broken heart.

"Nobody said it was easy... but no one said it would be this hard."

Helena had friends over for a bachelorette party for Pernilla tonight. (Pernilla's daughter goes to school with Linnea, and Jesper, Micke, Pernilla, and Helena are all friends.)

I was fine when everyone was here. I had a good time, and everyone was very nice and fun to be around.

But when everyone left, I realized how much it hurt that my marriage is over. I mean, I knew it hurt, but when you have someone else's marriage coming up and someone else's bachelorette party in your face like this was, well, it left me sad.

I see a lot of things in a different light now, but mostly I remember the happy things that I want to share, but then I realize that they were happy. Right now they are sad. Maybe someday I will come to see them the way I saw them before.

Right now I am still mourning.